It’s been about four years since the last post, and that was only an empty promise. I’m making no such promises. This site would be completely abandoned, but the email addresses get used, and our short film article gets thousands of hits a month, inexplicably.
It’s not totally new, but it’s close. “Mercenary Alpha Force” is, by far, our best short film. The final, edited version has long been available, and we’ve also made available a highly compressed version of the raw footage.
I am pleased to present, for the first time, the *full quality*, uncut footage. But it gets even better! This is the new special edition version, featuring subtitled commentary and trivia. Think of it as footnotes.
Anyway, here it is: [Mercenary Alpha Force: Uncut Special Edition](/media/mafse.m4v). Note: It’s a 300MB MPEG4/H.264 file.
One day, in a moment of inspiration (read: “boredom”), I decided to write a pair of Civil War love letters. I think they’re historically accurate, for the most part, aside from the fact that they have perfect grammar and spelling.* These are best read aloud, in your most Southern of voices; try to channel a Georgia-plantation resident.
To my Darling Annabelle,
The days drag on without you by my side. I long to rejoin you in our charming town.
Life on the front is hard, and though I try, it’s difficult to keep hope. Just yesterday my good friend, James, was hit by a bullet. He’s alive, for now, but delirious with fever and the doctors do not expect him to last the night. Food, as always, is scarce, and scarcely edible. The bread has more maggots than flour.
But enough of that! My love for you can carry me through my darkest hour, a shining torch to guide me safely back to your warm embrace.
This war will surely soon be over, and I will be home again. Until then, I count the seconds we’re apart and remain faithfully yours!
All My Love,
John
To My Dearest John,
Your letters are like kisses from the Sun, warming my heart in these coldest and most trying of times. I clutch them to my bosom as if they were your very being.
Father has taken ill, but seems to be recovering well. I do hope he is better by winter. I am sorry to hear about your friend, James.
Lydia is to have the baby any day now. It will be grand to be an aunt!
My heart fears for you. The front is so very dangerous and I worry. Please, come back home to me safe. Write back soon.
Forever Yours,
Annabelle
Years ago I discovered a wonderful new product, Kraft Miracle Whip Hot’N Spicy. It added kick to otherwise bland ham sandwiches. And life was good.
Then one day the grocery store was out. In desperation, I decided to substitute a bottle of Kraft Mayo Hot’N Spicy. I mean, how different can they be, right?
In transpired, very different. And not different like blue is different from red; more like cake is different from feces. In short, I threw that nasty bottle away after one ruined sandwich. I’ve managed to survive on regular Miracle Whip, but I still long for its rebellious cousin. Every time I go grocery shopping I walk by the condiment section, casting a hopeful glance at the Miracle Whip bottles, longing for the Hot’N Spicy. Sure, maybe it’s poorly named, but it was a glorious product.
In my quest to find it, I searched various stores, and asked friends to look at stores I never shop at. I even looked online. Alas, it seems to be discontinued. And so I used a form on Kraft’s site to inquire about it. Perhaps it was not truly gone for good? I didn’t even get a response.
My resolve has been tested, but I’m still holding out for a reversal. If Futurama can come back after years of absence, then so too can Miracle Whip Hot’N Spicy.
In the last few years, the House of Mouse has carefully honed its skill. They are the exemplar of cross-promotion, and now they’re practically printing money.
The Disney Channel serves as a launch pad for young careers, and associated merchandise. Of particular note is their deftness in music. It all started with Lizzie McGuire. Not only was it a spectacularly successful show, but it turned Hilary Duff into star. Merely acting isn’t enough to make it on the Disney Channel now; all of their live-action shows work in musical numbers with varying degrees of regularity.
Their promotional abilities are awe-inspiring. The number one album on this week’s Billboard chart is the soundtrack to High School Musical 2, making an impressive debut. This came as a surprise to no one. A true surprise was last year, when the original film’s soundtrack quickly worked its way up to #1. This time around Disney was building on a massively successful franchise. The made-for-TV movie has become a genuine cultural phenomenon with the tween set, spurring a live concert tour, an ice-skating show, and myriad branded merchandise from backpacks to party plates and napkins. The original soundtrack was also the best-selling album of 2006, and the sequel has a good start on earning the same distinction for 2007. The success of HSM has also led to reasonably successful solo albums for two of the stars.
Disney works hard to keep its stars in front of you. They make frequent guest appearances in Disney Channel shows, show up as guests on ABC morning shows, and appear in endless self-promotion commercials.
And just what is Billboard’s #2 album of the week? Why it’s the second Hanna Montana soundtrack. Disney created an entire show about a fictional pop star, instantly transforming Miley Cyrus into a real star. A new episode of Hanna Montana came on after the premiere of High School Musical 2. Special guests: the Jonas Brothers, recent additions to Disney’s Hollywood Records label. The Disney Channel has been showing Jonas Brothers music videos for months now, during commercial breaks. The brothers’ eponymous album debuted last week at #5 on the charts. Climbing back up to #16 was the original HSM soundtrack. At #34, the original Hannah Montana soundtrack. And it doesn’t stop there.
As we all know Disney’s all about family. A few years ago, the Disney Channel had a series about some time travelers called Phil of the Future. Phil’s friend and romantic interest sang in a few episodes, but nothing big. Turns out she has a sister. “Aly and AJ” then starred in their own Disney Channel Original Movie, which while it didn’t feature them singing, did help promote them. Their album is now #46 on Billboard. Billy Ray Cyrus, who stars on Hannah Montana with his daughter, is now also on a Disney label; his album is currently at #74.
Disney works its magic by keeping its telegenic stable constantly in front of its audience. I don’t have any vested interest in their success, but I admire clever marketing, and they’ve got skills.
What, you didn’t know we had gone anywhere? Neither did we, at least for several hours. Turns out we had some issues with our host and DNS. Our site was still online, but our domain name wasn’t pointing to it. For half of the day it led to some horrible page with links to dating services and home loans. I also wasn’t able to check my email during that time period (not exactly a major loss). At any rate, we’re back, in a manner of speaking.
More problematic is the horrible lack of content. We’ll occasionally get a moment of inspiration, but that usually passes before any new article or video can manifest. I’m going to try to do better. It would be nice to have regular readers, but this would require regular, compelling content. That’s hard.
Approximately two years ago, I read Frank Miller’s graphic novel 300 for a literature class. I loved the story, and the visual style. I especially loved that it was based on actual events, which makes it all the more interesting. When I found out several months ago that they were making a movie, I began to get excited. At the time the 300 was relatively obscure, but a major motion picture would soon change that. As the premiere approached I began to hear more and more about it. Co-workers were discussing it and technology sites and magazines gushed. I finally read real reviews and was convinced I’d love the movie. The reviews I read were technically mixed, but that revealed only the failures of some of the reviewers. Criticisms were a portal to the ignorant or misanthropic views of those writing them. Every single “negative” was, in my view, a positive.
Finally I saw it today, on my birthday. It was everything I hoped it could be. It’s an inspiring work of art, visual splendor guiding by an uncompromising vision. And that’s the crux of its glory. The heroes in 300 are truly heroes. This is a thoroughly Romantic film. The Spartans are the absolute embodiment of Western values, which is manifest in their deeds and flawless physical attributes. Every one of those 300 is a true warrior, and citizen-soldier. They fight for freedom and justice against an army of slaves led by a sexually ambiguous self-proclaimed god-king.
This point is, I think, worth elaborating on since some reviewers seem so transfixed on it. This story is told exclusively from the view of the Greeks, and this is exactly how they perceived the Persians to be. Xerxes, and the rest of the Persian elite, wore lots of jewels and, from a Western perspective, flamboyant clothes. The film’s portrayal of Xerxes is certainly accurate from the Spartans point of view. Moreover, this effeminate view makes Xerxes that much more offensive to the Greeks. After all, these are the epitome of manly men; to submit to such an androgynous figure is unthinkably repugnant.
In all, there is not a single thing in the entire movie that I object to, not one point I thought dragged it down. I was at first a little hesitant about the creation of the queen as such a prominent figure, but she earns her position (and quite dramatically so). Perhaps the aspect about 300 I find most appealing is the moral certainty. I refuse to see it as some sort of allegory for the current political situation (it predates the 9/11 attacks by several years), but the broader philosophical implications are timeless. Western civilization is under attack by the Persians and a few brave fighters stand to challenge it. They can do so because they are right, and they know they are right. Moral fortitude is a virtue we can never do without. I love that, in a rare occurrence, a film proudly declares modern Western culture, with its love of reason and freedom, to be absolutely superior to everything else. I love that King Leonidas is not some confused soul seeking guidance but rather a resolute leader, armed with the courage that comes from knowing with certainty that your cause is just. I love this movie.
This is the “long-awaited” second list of bad ideas from waaaaay back when. Enjoy.
As many of our friends and family know, my brother and I love Dr Pepper. Yes, we drink other things too, but the DP dominates our beverage intake. When we go grocery shopping, we buy six, nine, or twelve twelve-packs of the stuff. For several months now, we have not bothered to throw away our “fridge packs.” It started off innocently enough; we just left a few at the top of the stairs that leads down to the garage. Trash always goes out through the garage anyway, so it seemed natural. However, we somehow never got around to throwing the things away. And so the pile grew.
We made plans to throw them away, but it just didn’t happen. It got to the point that I didn’t want to throw it away. I wanted to take a picture to commemorate the auspicious achievement. Indeed, we even took some pictures; but the stack continued to grow. It took on a life of its own, reaching to the ceiling in not just one row, but another. Soon its powers grew further. It attracted other wayward boxes. Fortunately, our slovenly secret was hidden from the view of guests by a door.
With its height came arrogance. It thought itself capable of overpowering its creators. Alas, that hubris was defeated by nothing more than air.
As I sat in my room, I heard an unusual cacophony, lasting no more than a couple of seconds. Fireworks? Perhaps a bizarre bit of thunder? I go to my door to ask Chad; his look is grave. He had opened the door leading to the garage to see if he had forgotten to turn off the light. When he closed the door, the rush of wind knocked down a portion of the tower.
Realizing the time had come, we knocked down the rest, flooding the bottom of the stairwell with a sea of red boxes. We don’t have an exact count, but the total is somewhere around 50 boxes, which represent 600 delicious cans of Dr Pepper. We then sat on the stairs and folded up all of the boxes. We ended up stuffing the folded boxes into intact boxes, six in all, which are now sitting neatly outside our garage awaiting pick-up tomorrow morning.
Last week Chad and I took some vacation time and went to visit our friends and family in Tyler. We arrived at our parents’ house late on Saturday night and left on Tuesday night.
Since my brother drove down there, I didn’t have my own car to go driving around in. My dad, fickle man that he is, finally settled on a black 2006 Ford Mustang GT, some months ago. Short story even shorter, I borrowed it on Tuesday afternoon to go visit some friends. A little before ten, I was on my way back to our parents’ house. Having never driven his car more than around the block before, I was somewhat paranoid driving it anyway. Sure, I had relaxed by that point in the day, having had a little more experience with it, but I still wasn’t used to the car. Also, his speedometer is labeled only every 20 miles, whereas mine is every 10. In other words, it’s hard to see exactly how fast you’re going, even more so when you’re extra-worried about getting in a wreck. Furthermore, the Mustang has quite a few more ponies under the hood than my Chevy Malibu.
On the way home, I found myself inadvertently speeding on a few occasions, easily topping 70 in a 60 mph zone. Then I turned onto the new outer loop, which does have a speed limit of 70. I’d never driven on it and had only once, in the day, even been on it. I was out of my element in a car that wasn’t mine on an unfamiliar street, in the dark. Shortly after coming up over a slight hill I saw a flash of lights on the one other car on that stretch, which was coming from the opposite direction. No, these were not headlights; it was a state trooper. He passed me, turned around, and I promptly pulled over.
I’ve been pulled over before, back when I was a teenager. This time I was far more calm. I didn’t know exactly how fast I had been going, but I knew it couldn’t have been that bad, and I thought I had a pretty good case, what with the borrowed car and unfamiliar road. Indeed, I was pretty calm, though I did accidentally start to hand him my credit card when he asked for my license. What can I say, I was still a little frazzled. Then he asked for my proof of insurance. My proof of insurance is in my glove compartment, just like all other sane people. And so that’s where I looked. After at least two minutes of looking through every scrap of paper in there, I finally check the center console, where I found the missing document. Who keeps it there?
Turns out I was going exactly 70 mph. Also turns out that the speed limit drops five at night time. I got a warning and an admonition to drive carefully.
My family got a good laugh at my incident, but then it was time for Chad and me to leave. He was driving on the highway to the Interstate when we saw what was, I later found out, the first live armadillo Chad had ever seen. The car behind us surely saw the same armadillo, but it was most decidedly not alive at that point. The stupid thing was walking across the busy highway when we came upon it. Chad managed only to make sure he went directly over it, avoiding the tires. Unfortunately, Chad does not drive some high truck but rather a ground-hugging Honda Civic. The sound when we hit was startling for us in the car, and I suspect shell-shattering for our departed friend.