It’s not totally new, but it’s close. “Mercenary Alpha Force” is, by far, our best short film. The final, edited version has long been available, and we’ve also made available a highly compressed version of the raw footage.

I am pleased to present, for the first time, the full quality, uncut footage. But it gets even better! This is the new special edition version, featuring subtitled commentary and trivia. Think of it as footnotes.

Anyway, here it is: Mercenary Alpha Force: Uncut Special Edition. Note: It’s a 300MB MPEG4/H.264 file.

Posted by Kirk at 2:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One day, in a moment of inspiration (read: “boredom”), I decided to write a pair of Civil War love letters. I think they’re historically accurate, for the most part, aside from the fact that they have perfect grammar and spelling.* These are best read aloud, in your most Southern of voices; try to channel a Georgia-plantation resident.

To my Darling Annabelle,

The days drag on without you by my side. I long to rejoin you in our charming town.

Life on the front is hard, and though I try, it’s difficult to keep hope. Just yesterday my good friend, James, was hit by a bullet. He’s alive, for now, but delirious with fever and the doctors do not expect him to last the night. Food, as always, is scarce, and scarcely edible. The bread has more maggots than flour.

But enough of that! My love for you can carry me through my darkest hour, a shining torch to guide me safely back to your warm embrace.

This war will surely soon be over, and I will be home again. Until then, I count the seconds we’re apart and remain faithfully yours!

All My Love,
John

To My Dearest John,

Your letters are like kisses from the Sun, warming my heart in these coldest and most trying of times. I clutch them to my bosom as if they were your very being.

Father has taken ill, but seems to be recovering well. I do hope he is better by winter. I am sorry to hear about your friend, James.

Lydia is to have the baby any day now. It will be grand to be an aunt!

My heart fears for you. The front is so very dangerous and I worry. Please, come back home to me safe. Write back soon.

Forever Yours,
Annabelle

Posted by Kirk at 11:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Then one day the grocery store was out. In desperation, I decided to substitute a bottle of Kraft Mayo Hot'N Spicy. I mean, how different can they be, right?

In transpired, very different. And not different like blue is different from red; more like cake is different from feces. In short, I threw that nasty bottle away after one ruined sandwich. I've managed to survive on regular Miracle Whip, but I still long for its rebellious cousin. Every time I go grocery shopping I walk by the condiment section, casting a hopeful glance at the Miracle Whip bottles, longing for the Hot'N Spicy. Sure, maybe it's poorly named, but it was a glorious product.

In my quest to find it, I searched various stores, and asked friends to look at stores I never shop at. I even looked online. Alas, it seems to be discontinued. And so I used a form on Kraft's site to inquire about it. Perhaps it was not truly gone for good? I didn't even get a response.

My resolve has been tested, but I'm still holding out for a reversal. If Futurama can come back after years of absence, then so too can Miracle Whip Hot'N Spicy.

Posted by Kirk at 12:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)