Luceo Magazine

The Stupid People Report

I work at Broadway Square Mall. [deep sigh] If any of you out there work or have worked at a mall before, then you regrettably know that a mall is one of the number one breeding grounds for persons of the, shall we say, stupid persuasion. When thinking of whom to write about, this month’s jackass is the first person that came to mind. She is one of the many mall-walkers that frequent Broadway Square. If you do not know what a mall-walker is, it is a person who comes to the mall and walks the interior perimeter for the stated purpose of exercise. Her name is Barbara Fairbanks. Since there is an off chance that somebody who knows her may read this, we will just change her name to Cathy. [giggles]

So Cathy was walking the mall one evening when I was working and approached me while I was talking to one of the mall security officers. She came up from behind, tapped me on the shoulder, and said in a very abrasive tone, “WHERE DO I GO TO MAKE A COMPLAINT?”

I told her she could speak to me about whatever problem she had and I would try my best to alleviate the situation. She told me she was tired of looking at Britney Spears when she walked by. Seeing as how she was vague in her description of her issue, it didn’t dawn on me that she was referring to the two moniters at my booth that constantly plays a wide array of Britney Spears Pepsi commercials (along with a few Visa commercials played every now and then). She said that if Broadway Square “claims” to be a family-oriented establishment, we should be ashamed that we play “that filthy smut.”

“Ma’am,” I said, “those aren’t Britney Spears music videos. Those are Pepsi commercials. Since Broadway Square has a sponsorship with Pepsi, we advertise for them via the monitors here at the Marketplace.”

“Well, I hate the fact that every time I walk by here, I have to see the slutty girl shaking her butt at me. I really don’t think it is appropriate because little kids can walk by and see it.”

I apologized to her again for her displeasure in the way the mall runs things and told her that I, unfortunately, could not turn off the monitors. “Well, why not?” she asked.

My response was something along the lines of we couldn’t turn them off because we get secretly shopped and if the monitors were turned off we would get a bad review and the person running the booth at the time of said secret shopper would have to face the wrath of our marketing director, Susan. I told her I was not going to get into trouble over it, and said I was sorry, yet again. I offered her the opportunity to fill out a comment card and told her that if she did fill it out, the problem would be personally reviewed by the mall manager. “Well, that is just ridiculous if I have to fill out some card to get some action taken!” she retorted.

“Well, kiss my ass, Bitch!!!!” (Actually, I didn’t say that...but I wanted to so bad.)

“Ma’am,” I addressed her in the nicest way possible, “if you don’t fill one out, they won’t do anything about it because it doesn’t look to them that you cared about the matter enough if you didn’t fill out the comment card. That is how every problem in our mall is handled.” I also explained to her how good the mall manager is about addressing the problems. If somebody takes the time to complain and fill one out, he takes the matter very seriously. That wasn’t good enough for Cathy though.

So, the next step in a stupid person’s mind is to threaten, naturally. “Well, if that is the case, I think I am just going to write an editorial in the newspaper and tell people not to come to this mall. I have never been so insulted in my life. Young man, I know for a fact that it would not be that hard for you to go over there and shut off those monitors. I think you are being this way on purpose.”

I told her that was not the case and reiterated my suggestion to fill out a comment card. I even offered to fill it out for her as long she stood there while I wrote it, for I would need her signature on it. That still wouldn’t appease her. So I told her I was sorry once again. At this point, she stood at my booth and initiated a staring contest. After about thirty seconds of the evil eye from the mall-walker from Hell, I told her, “Ma’am, if you don’t have any other business here, I am going to have to ask you to leave the booth.”

She continued to stare at me, speechless. At that point, I got on my walkie and called for security to come back, as they had left during Cathy’s tirade. When she heard me call for them, she stuck her nose up in the air, and continued to walk the mall, glaring at me each time she passed the marketplace. I called my manager and told her about the event and she laughed her ass off. She gave me full permission to cuss her ass out thoroughly, provided security was there to witness my actions. I was so happy that she told me that, but my enchantment soon turned to disenchantment for I knew she wouldn’t return for a second bout with Brian the Great. I wanted to tell that fat heifer off so bad I could taste but I knew I would never get the chance now. Or so I thought. For Cathy returned a month later with another complaint. That, however, must wait for a future issue of Luceo.

See how stupid people are? Why did she insist on being so rude? Was she just jealous that she knew she failed in comparison to Miss Spear’s voluptuousness? Or, was she just one bitter hag who would complain about anything and everything? The answers to these and much more await you in the next exciting issue of Luceo. Same Luceo time. Same Luceo channel.

Brian | November 2002

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