Luceo Magazine

Guinea Pigs

Chad Lennon
January 2003
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For a while now I have been pondering whether or not to get another pet and the day came when I finally decided to get guinea pigs. Now to let you in on our past with rodents, we have previously had four hamsters over time—all of which met with tragedy. We first had two hamsters name Eve (we pronounced it “ee-vee”) and Rebecca. Kirk had Eve and I had (emphasis on “had”) Rebecca, but much to my dismay, I one day found that half of my hamster was missing and next to the body was Eve munching on a piece of flesh. I therefore resolve to make the rest of Eve’s life as crazy as possible but she actually thrived on it, surviving for about a year and a half. One day we gave her new food and a week later she was dead. (Kirk claims that I gave her a bath in a cup of cold—It was warm I say!—water and that is what killed her.) But we got another one shortly thereafter named Kasey and we fed him that same food and he happened to die after exactly two weeks...hmmmmm? The last was a little firecracker by the name of Jessie who did great for about nine days until the tenth when I woke up to find a stiff body. That was when we said “no more” and up till now we have held to that.

So fast-forward to the present day: I was sitting in my bed needing to have some small pet again and decided on guinea pigs, because they are bigger and live longer and are just so darn cute. I went with my dad to the local Petsmart where he was looking for a UV lamp to kill the algae that grows in our backyard pond that we just put in. I passed by the guinea pig cages and kept looking at this kit with the cage and food and bedding until I convinced myself that I need to spend about $100 on getting some cuddly little guinea pigs. Using my brain I realize, “Wait Chad, you’re poor!”; I then deduced that I would need to get Kirk in on this little project. So I bought the cage and proceed to visit Kirk at Michaels where we work and convince (con) him into going to Petland right next door and drop about $23 on a cute little guinea pig of his choice.

I had previously selected my guinea pig on a trip I had made the other day and many of them looked freaky because of the “Don King” thing they had going with their fur. Mine was cute as a button and there was another one that happened to be a chubby little fellow. So Kirk is like, “We’ll take the fat one.” Another $50 later I was riding home with two guinea pigs making strange alien spaceship type sounds inside of a cardboard box.

After I set up the cage we let them roam about the room and get to know their new home. We tried to feed them but they wouldn't touch it. I finally gave up and after many hours they were put up for their first night. Soon after began the first of many sleepless nights as guinea pigs happen to be quite noisy in the nighttime hours. Eventually I got past that and they now get quiet earlier without much yelling. My guinea pig is named Scruffy and Kirk’s is named Tuffy. Tuffy got his name from a short skit that Brian did about being a guinea pig in a former life that belonged to the lesbian step-daughter of a wealthy African American entrepreneur in the oil business who incidentally made him go where the sun does not shine... a black hole of sexual depravity. I know what you are thinking but trust me, it was funny.

Anyway, the guinea pigs are quite the voracious eaters and can spit out little crap pellets like a gatling gun; not to mention they must drink like a quart of water a day and the little water spout thing is the loudest, most annoying thing in the world when you are trying to sleep!

All in all, I love them to death and while Tuffy is slightly on the sedentary side and Scruffy is quite the intrepid explorer, I wouldn’t have them any other way.

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