The Shades of Female
Chad Lennon
July 2003
There is nothing in the world that I love more than women. Almost all of my friends are women; they are generally smarter and much better to look at than the alternative. Being around them so much, I have begun to classify the various types of women into different states of mentality and I now offer an extensive guide to dating and handling these types of women out there. Also, know that there can be no perfect girl because every man on this planet has a different version of perfect. I have broken the female down into five groups. Some of you may think I left one out, but trust me, these are accurate. Call it science, call it speculation, but here we go!
First off, we will start with my personal favorite, the Closet Geek. These girls are cute, tend to wear glasses, and secretly like doing things that are perceived by the general populace as “geeky.” Most of them tend to be smart about things so if you are looking for an easy mark, look elsewhere. The Closet Geek can be found at coffee shops, game stores, and maybe right under your nose. Some guys may be intimidated by the intelligence of these women, but those who not only look past it but also strike their interest by coming off as intelligent themselves will find a much better score. While this is my favorite kind, they tend to be rare; otherwise, I would be trying to date one of them.
Dating tip: If you manage to snag her into a date and think you start thinking about impressing her with your worldly knowledge of lets say, “Foreign Affairs,” make sure you actually know more than what you saw on MSNBC last night.
Next up is the Super Flirt. These are some of the hardest women in the world to date; they flirt with every guy they meet! Now don't go thinking that they are being unfaithful, but for some reason they have to flirt with guys to feel better about themselves. The majority of them have self-esteem problems and if you can learn to help their self-image, they will be more likely to stick with just you. However, be warned, if you help it too much, they will soon start to wonder if they could snag an even better guy, which would (and does) suck.
Dating tip: If she is flirting with the guy taking your order at the local McDonalds, refrain from killing him. Otherwise, you are going to end up being someone’s “girlfriend” in prison.
The “Friend” is another problem waiting to happen. If you have ever watched teen movies before, you know that relationships between a best friend of the opposite sex is a disaster waiting to happen. Sometimes the friendship comes out of being in the “friend-zone” too long. If you came into the whole ordeal trying to win the girl and go along with her “friends first” jive, you have already been suckered. Prepare to hang out with her, while she constantly pines away for other men—men that are not you. So unless you are gay and would love to hear about how cute this boy at the store was, I suggest you run the other way or keep her as a friend and seek out another target for love.
Dating tip: Take her somewhere that is devoid of anyone that might be more attractive than you.
The Self-Loather is the easiest girl to pick up, but they are also annoying. Look forward to hearing, “I’m fat! Do you think I’m fat?” “I wish I looked like that girl in Cosmo” and other fun phrases. These women have image problems and will take any worthless excuse for a male that comes along. Now you may get wise and think that you can make them happy, but if they are unhappy with themselves, you will fail. Try to get them to be more confident in themselves, rather than showering them with nothing more than empty praise. Also, be warned that this type has a flair for the dramatic and will cause a scene in public if you do not keep them in check. These women are not all bad and with some work on their self-esteem they can make great girlfriends, just make sure that you never forget to tell them how wonderful they are, even when they are driving you up the wall.
Dating tip: Take her to a place that has arcade games or the go-cart track and make sure that she just beats you every time, even if it means looking like a punk to any other guys around.
The last and worst type is none other than the Trick Ho; these “women” are basically the equivalent of what the typical male is perceived to be. They are dominant in relationships and change guys like they change underwear, but by no means should you assume that they sleep with all these guys. They may just be making out with a random guy at a party while their “boyfriend” is elsewhere, unaware of her treachery. A note to all men out there, do not ever hook up with a girl that has a boyfriend. That is in direct violation of the “Guy Code.” Also, if you see your buddy’s woman trickin’ around, make sure you tell him what’s up so he can kick her to the curb. These women are never to be trusted and some of them are the lowest on the chain and fall into the Gold Digger sub-category. The Gold Digger will try to get you to spend an insane amount of money in exchange for sex or whatever it is that you want, which makes them nothing more than high-priced hookers. Trick hos are to be avoided at all costs, unless you are a sleazy pile of waste that is into that kind of thing.
Dating Tip: Take her to the VD Clinic
This marks the end of my guide to the woman’s psyche. If you follow these simple steps, you will be on your way to securing the woman of your dreams. The path will not be easy and the temperament of these curious creatures we call “women” wavers like the wind-blown leaf, but keep on trying until you get it right. I wish you all luck in your endeavors of capturing a female of your own.
Copyright © 2008 
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