Mourning a Fallen Victim and Loathing the Survivors, in the Condiment Aisle

Years ago I discovered a wonderful new product, Kraft Miracle Whip Hot’N Spicy. It added kick to otherwise bland ham sandwiches. And life was good.

Then one day the grocery store was out. In desperation, I decided to substitute a bottle of Kraft Mayo Hot’N Spicy. I mean, how different can they be, right?

In transpired, very different. And not different like blue is different from red; more like cake is different from feces. In short, I threw that nasty bottle away after one ruined sandwich. I’ve managed to survive on regular Miracle Whip, but I still long for its rebellious cousin. Every time I go grocery shopping I walk by the condiment section, casting a hopeful glance at the Miracle Whip bottles, longing for the Hot’N Spicy. Sure, maybe it’s poorly named, but it was a glorious product.

In my quest to find it, I searched various stores, and asked friends to look at stores I never shop at. I even looked online. Alas, it seems to be discontinued. And so I used a form on Kraft’s site to inquire about it. Perhaps it was not truly gone for good? I didn’t even get a response.

My resolve has been tested, but I’m still holding out for a reversal. If Futurama can come back after years of absence, then so too can Miracle Whip Hot’N Spicy.